As a child, I was told by my mother that I had to be independent & self-sufficient. I should never rely on anyone or on anything because her life became a life at mercy of many. She never wanted history to repeat itself and of course, she had very good intentions for me. As I grew up and moved to the tech schools, everyone around me was growing to be a strong independent tech woman. I chose to be the same and grew to be a strong independent woman, happily and fiercely. To the extent, that I really didn’t need anyone, for anything. But somewhere in this need for fierce independence, I started frowning upon any kind of dependence (labeling it as “toxic”). And with this notion, I reached an extent where I did not have a social system or friends who truly mattered, or family with whom I really checked in (or who checked back at me); I was truly “ïndependent”.
No doubt, this piled up my everyday tasks (as I had no one to share the mental or physical burden with) and I started getting exhausted, irritated, and burned out. Even after successful higher studies degrees, successful designations, working for establishing organizations, and winning multiple awards, I became a classic case of depression in my mid-20s.
I started therapy, slowed down on things, had another physical and mental breakdown again, re-started therapy, and re-slowed things. As therapy helped me evaluate my needs, I learned to communicate better and rely more on others whenever needed. And I saw through all these falls, that the only thing which saved me, which allowed me to truly start with the painful process of healing was to depend on actual human beings, who let me depend on them, let me be comfortable in my own skin.
"Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion." Bell Hooks, from All about love, p. 215.
This experience has made me re-think the need and definition of fierce independence. Also, I am appalled by the subjectivity of this definition for a man and anyone-who-does-not-label-them-as-man. An independent man can still rely on a wife or a mother or a partner who cooks for him and is still labeled as independent for carrying out his normal daily work. While, an independent woman doesn’t have the luxury of that, because an independent woman is not “independent enough” if she asks for help for daycare of her child from anyone else. A woman becomes independent only at the cost of the community’s burden and tasks.
We need to start embracing that we are a social breed. We live in communities, and we grow and nurture in communities. We thrive and grow together. We can only survive together. And the pressure for anyone among us to do this completely independently, and on our own, puts us under pressure to do this alone, which is unfair and impossible (without a breakdown or burnout).
The narrative which was written by the feminist movements or at least envisioned by them was to help the women feel freedom (of thought, of expression, of choices), and not just independence. It is far away from the isolation and the pressure, which young women have started experiencing in the community today due to the skewed definition of independence. Can we as a generation try to work more towards freedom again, and try to lean on each other again to get our freedom back!